Archive | May, 2016


20 May

Well there you go again, another night out more tears more guilt.

It’s soooooo hard you know, we go out to help celebrate but all we do is remind ourselves and others, it’s just not ok, none of it is ok, we can not take all our children, we can not take grandchildren, we take nothing but a reminder of what no one wants. It is sooooooo hard……. 

But we do have lovely friends, they know, they understand, we went and that is enough. it is just too hard.

To want and to never hold, it is the end of everything, it is nothing, it is the abyss.

To those who think it’s a journey, a place you get to, it’s not, it’s just a matter of keeping going.

We have some lovely friends, and to them, thank you, you make it ok 

5 May

Last night as I was going off to sleep I heard Toby’s voice. It was as clear as if he was in the room. as soon as I heard it though it was gone, I could not even remember what he had said. I then spent a very sleepless night trying to remember his voice, hear something he once said. It is just another layer of loss, something impossible to recapture but compelling to attempt. It breaks my heart.

This morning I took Stephen to school, the sound of Toby’s voice still drawing me and then up in the sky above the M61 a big huge ‘t’ appeared 

at moments like that I can’t help but think some one is looking down on me. Bitter sweet tears.

I’ve had a number of conversations about belief and faith over the past few weeks. Every time I think I have it sorted in my head something happens which creates turmoil and makes me question everything. I guess whatever truth is your truth it just takes a leap of faith…..