So I’m 50 and yes I’ve reached that age where I’m inclined to evaluate my life…….
I was going all the way, I had a well planned out career. It was only in my 40’s that I finally left education, I decided that 3 degrees really was enough. There comes a time when you finally realise that you are reaching for something you can not find. So I stopped.
Children, ah children. I nearly had no children, When we decided to have children it was after much thought. Toby was just meant to be. He met all my maternal needs and I never wanted another baby, and I mean never, even after he went, he still met every need.
Adoption is a whole other ball game, in fact it’s a marathon. It’s a total life changer. It teaches you more about yourself than life ever can. It takes you to the edge, the edge of forever and you never come back.
I look back….
A career gone , but not lost, who’d of ever thought I’d exchange career and money for happiness in a wool shop.
My children, my dearest children, mine I gave birth to who met every need, who gave his life to keep safe the one I chose. The one I chose oblivious to most of life, oblivious to what has been lost, what has been given up.
Some times I wander, how could all this chaos result in this. Life, love, death.
How can dreams be dreamt and never be meant.
In my dreams I had a plan, none of this was part of it.
Dreams, I don’t have dreams now, since the day Toby died. I stopped, in every sense of the word. I don’t have plans. I just have now.
And that is enough…..