21 Nov

It took extremes of emotion to start me writing. It acted as a safety valve, as the emotion built up in my system the words formed in my head and spilt out on to the page. One day however the valve blew and the writing helped me no more. That was the time I decided I needed help and that’s what I got, I battoned down the hatches, reduced my world to create as little stress as possible and set about healing. There comes a point where you just need to give your brain a rest and that’s what I did, with a mix of medication and knitting I got my head around my new world. Without the emotional extremes and with the ability to rest my thought processes with concentration on knitting I was able to regain my sense of self .

Over the last few months I have reached that point in life of acceptance.

Serenity to accept the things I can not change – my lovely Stephen, 

He may be a challenge every waking moment but he is the shiniest light in my life.

My bueatiful Toby,   

gone but always with me in every breath.

Courage to change the things I can –  after a few false starts no more medication and my lovely little job, poles apart from the high flying career but gives me far more pleasure! 

Wisdom – still working on that! 

The other day a friend was talking about how depression is rarely mentioned and they are right. The same is true of child breavement. For people with children it is their worst fear. Here are my thoughts.

Talking about loss is to understate it. I did not loose Toby, even now I know exactly where he is. He died and that is the reality, softer words can not make it better.

Apparently bereavement is a journey, well it is not. A journey implies a beginning middle and end. That just is not the case. Grieving for you child is a life times commitment. I do not want to be cured, I do not want to move on, I just want to see Toby and be with him. This is not a lack of acceptance just the reality of living without your child. To imply that there is in some way something wrong with this and to want to change this is to deny me my reality.

Talking about Toby may make you feel uncomfortable but it does not make me feel this. There is nothing I like more than talking about him and keeping him alive in my mind. What makes me uncomfortable is people’s reaction to me bring him up in the conversation. They range from avoidance to panic to a patronising ‘isn’t it a shame look’. some people find it easy, and is them I seek out. It really isn’t hard you know

This morning Stephen asked me what I’d do if Toby came back as a ghost. I said I’d give him a big hug and ask what took him so long, Stephen burst out laughing ‘mum don’t you know you can’t hug ghosts, your hands go right through’. So you see now we can laugh about Toby and it makes it so much easier. He is not a forbidden subject or one to be avoided but one to enjoy! 


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