Archive | December, 2013


11 Dec

It is no secret that Tuesdays are my favourite day, I thought I would tell you why.

Every Tuesday after I have dropped Stephen at school I go and see Toby. I like to know that he looks nice and to chat to him. I like to play him some music and bore him with my singing. He is all decorated now for Christmas.


I am finding Christmas hard again this year. Everywhere I go I see things I would like to buy for Toby and the realisation that I will never be able to buy them for him is heart breaking. It has made what was once a pleasure a bit of a challenge this year as wandering around the shops just seems to make me cry. I have settled for the tree and a card that I know he will never see or read but it brings me some comfort to know that he looks festive. Some people talk about the concept of moving on following a death. I have no idea what that is meant to mean. Does it mean forgetting Toby, not missing him any more? Is it about going back to how things were? I think not. I am trying very hard to want things and look forward to things. I have booked tickets to go see Gary Barlow, the last time I saw him was when he was with Take That and Toby was at my side, this time it will be Graham. I am off to ogle at Paul Hollywood, I will be elbowing my friend Debbie out of the way. Linda and I are going to see Mama Mia. I know that I will enjoy all these events and I am looking forward to them very much. But I still just wish that I could have Toby back. The feeling that would give me would just be… well it would just be. Anything else just can not compete and never will. It is what makes wanting anything so hard. I love going to see him on a Tuesday. It is a lovely start to a lovely day.

After visiting Toby I go to Yarn in the Barn at Black Sheep Wools. This group started earlier this year and it has been an absolute saviour to me. I love the eclectic mix of people, I love the ebb and flow of the conversation. There are no expectations on any one there, the only essential is that you love to knit and crochet. Its a lovely supportive group. They have done some fund raising for Tobysgift which means a lot to me. It is an acknowledgement of my boy and of me. It gives me permission to talk about him or not as I wish and just be myself. Next week we are going to be knitting and crocheting squares to make into a blanket to auction off. It will be made with love and in my eyes that makes it priceless.

One day I shall write a book, it will be called the Therapy of Knitting and Crocheting because for me that is just what they are. They are the only thing that I can concentrate on (well most of the time) and they allow the cartwheels in my brain to rest. I could not imagine being able to just sit and watch TV now, my mind would wander if my fingers weren’t busy. This year Graham requested a Christmas jumper and here he is modelling it. I have taken note that he has not yet worn it in public!


Once Stephen saw his dad’s jumper he requested one too, so his wish is my command



After Toby’s inquest I found a little yarn shop in Truro and bought myself some wool to make a gilet. It is soft and cosy and makes me feel warm in every way


I will always remember that day when I wear it but it will also remind me of a lovely few days that Graham and I had in Cadgwith Cove.

After Yarn in the Barn I come home to my lovely dogs and chickens. Cute but complete pests and I love them to bits.


I can have a nice lazy afternoon as Stephen goes to the respite unit for tea every Tuesday and I do not pick him up until bedtime. It means I get a quiet tea, possibly a little more knitting, and I do not have to think about how I how I am going to keep my little whirlwind occupied until bedtime. Stephen loves going to the home and looks forward to it greatly, some of his friends from school live there so for Stephen it is like going to a friends house for tea. As he enjoys it so much, we in turn can enjoy the time he spends there without having to worry. Gold-dust

So there you have it, let hear it for Tuesdays, my favourite day of the week!

#Tobysgift update
Since we started #Tobysgift in Septemeber 2013 we have raised over £10,600, and when I say ‘we’ I mean all of you and everyone that has supported the events we have done. Keeping Toby’s memory alive is great and if we can do that supporting good causes then that is even better. In February 2014 I have very foolishly agreed to go on a trek to Petra in Jordan in support of #Tobysgift and the CFTrust. Foolish because I hate hot, hate sand and hate excersie, Oh and there are NO toilets!! If you would like to sponsor me you can do so through the following link you can read more about the trek on To sign up to the organ donation register and save lives just like Toby did and is still doing visit