Archive | June, 2013

The Butterfly

20 Jun

Its nearly 11 months now, it feels like a life time, 11 months without Toby, 11 months of his heart still beating, giving life to some one else. My life is so very different now. I have been blessed with many new and very kind friends since Toby died. Some of them are virtual, some of them have become real, all of them give me support that I would never of even dreamed of. 

The other day some one told me that they did not talk about their child who died on their Facebook page as their friends did not like her going on about it, another talked of being unfriended and blocked by others. I feel so very sorry that they do not feel as though they can talk about their children. I can not imagine what that must be like. When Toby died the person that I was died too. So many things changed as my world was rocked to its very core. Much of those early weeks and months I do not remember now, often I have to check if things really happened or who a person is and why I know them. I became a caterpillar, wrapped in a protective chrysalis, one day I do plan on coming out again, I am not sure when but lets hope I have become a beautiful butterfly! I have some very good friends who stay with me through thick and thin, they do not judge me or rush me, they just accept how I am, for that I am blessed. People talk about stages of grieving and yes I am on that roller coaster however, I am learning that there is not an end to the process, I am not trying to get to a particular place. There will be no closure and no moving on. That does not happen when you child dies. Toby is with me all the time, he is in my breath, my thoughts, he is in everything that I do. Sometimes he hinders me and overwhelms me, but we are gradually learning to have a comfy coexistence. If I were not able to talk about him I would be denying a big part of myself. I know that some people struggle to understand this or find it too difficult to watch. Some people who were very close now seem like strangers, they have not been here for the ups and downs, they have not watched to see how the caterpillar is developing or spent time seeing how and what it will become. I think they may be waiting for me to get better or something, or may be to get over it, I am not really sure and I do not know if I will ever really understand. 

The other day I was copied into a poem that I really like. I do not know who it is by so I can not credit it. 

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes. 
Uncomfortable shoes. 
I hate my shoes. 
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. 
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. 
Yet, I continue to wear them. 
I get funny looks wearing these shoes. 
They are looks of sympathy. 
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. 
They never talk about my shoes. 
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. 
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. 
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. 
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. 
There are many pairs in this world. 
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. 
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much. 
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. 
No woman deserves to wear these shoes. 
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. 
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. 
They have made me who I am. 
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

I love this poem because to me it says love me for what I have become, not what I have lost, if all you can see in me is my loss of Toby then you are missing everything that he has given me in life and death. You are denying me the freedom to be what I have become. I will be a beautiful butterfly and etched on both wings will be Toby. Image


On the beach again

1 Jun

I am on the beach, the sun is warm on my back, it is relaxing my whole body. The sand is dry and golden, it glides through my fingers and glistens as it falls. It hypnotises me and let’s me go into my own little world, the world where everything stayed the same, the world where Toby could not die. It is impossible to stay there though, reality keeps dragging me back. My tears keep falling, they form a pool around me, it is a moat, it protects me from the pain outside. Toby is watching, i can feel him behind me and it makes me smile. He is always there, he smiles and laughs. I want him to come to me and it breaks my heart that he can not. He tells me to ‘listen very carefully you can still hear me’ listen to the beat, to the gentle lapping of the waves. it’s his heart still beating #tobysgift #organdonation

We are going on our first holiday today with out Toby but I know that when I go to that beach in Majorca if I listen very carefully I will hear the waves lapping and I will hear Toby’s beat. I know he will be looking at me there too smiling and laughing, out of my grasp but with me none the less.