There are many ways of trying to fill a hole. Those of you who follow me on twitter will know of my addiction to strawberry bonbons, custard creams, cake, coffee, gin, wine …. the list goes on and on, all of them attempts to fill something that just can not be filled.
When Toby first died a couple said to me that it never gets better. At the time that filled me with dread as the thought of a life time of such pain was truly unbearable. They were right though, it does not get any better but what they failed to tell me is that you do learn to deal with the feeling better. You learn when you need to have a good wallow in misery and when to embrace the happy memories. It is all about giving yourself permission, allowing your heart and your brain the time and the space to adapt to the new ways of being.
The truth is that some days are near to unbearable. The dreams I used to have for the future have gone now. It is only when your child dies that you realise just how many of your dreams were about them. Most of my dreams now are wishful thinking; I know they can never happen but it does not stop me having them, it is like a self inflicted pain. Dreaming of what can never be. So in the meantime on those really bad days I rejoice at finding a forgotten bit of cake, for that is when I know some one is looking down on me. My very own guardian angel. In some cultures finding a white feather is a sign that an angel is looking down on you, we get loads of those, so what if it is Snowdrop the hen!
This blog is dedicated to my ‘literary agent’ and to all the families of those who wait. I think that they have one of the hardest roles. I am very proud of the decisions that Toby made in life for after his death. His heart beats on and continues to bring happiness #tobysgift #havethediscussion #organdonation http://www.tobysgift.co.uk