It was Thursday morning when it happened, the strangest thing ever. It was like I was stood in the darkest coldest shadow when the brightest ray of sunshine found me. It warmed me from the inside out giving me a glow, making me laugh and smile. It made me run round the house with Stephen, made me smile for no reason in the car, it changed the whole look of my face. It is so long since I felt it that it took me ages to work out what it was, it was happiness!
Happiness happiness the greatest gift that we possess….
This week I met with a friend I lost touch with some years ago. She had moved away but some how had heard about Toby and got in touch. We were pregnant together and we reminisced about our babies. It is a gift to bring back forgotten memories, they are so very precious now, and I am so glad that we did. I am starting to fall back in love with my dogs. They are such faithful things and have had to put up with so much neglect since Toby died. They have never given up on me though and kept on as if all is normal, waiting for me I suppose. They all got a cut and wash this week and I enjoyed it like I use to. It was not the chore that it has been. Last night Graham and I went out for a meal, lovely it was too, I can not remember the last time when we did that.
I am under no illusion about maintaining it but the very fact that I can still feel happy and contented just fills me with hope. Once I had accepted Toby’s death and that there was no hope of a miracle resurrection it was almost as if all hope for everything died alongside him. I could not see how it could ever come back. It filled me with a dread for the future. That dread has now gone as I can still feel that warmth I felt on Thursday morning and I am not going to let myself forget just how good it felt.
So this blog is just especially for two vey patient boys – the thing is to remember what you still have and get pleasure from that.