The jigsaw

19 Feb

Not long after Toby died I was wandering past a shop at home and saw a jigsaw, I could not believe it, it was a picture of Cadgwith Cove. It was of the few must have purchases I have made since Toby died. It took me six months to finish that jigsaw. My concentration is not what it was. When I did finish it there was just one piece missing, unbelievable. It is a little piece of the sky and you know for me now it represents the place saved just for my boy. It is that little piece of heaven saved just for him. I love that that piece is missing. I hope now that I never find it. I have framed the picture, the mount covers the missing piece so no one can see, but for me it makes me smile because I know that Toby is in it, how special is that. Little did I know when I bought that jigsaw that a few months later I would be sitting on Toby’s Bench in Cadgwith Cove looking at that very view. I am a great believer in fate. Some things are just meant to be.

My life is a bit like a jigsaw you know. As far as I was concerned it was a perfect picture. I had everything I wanted in life, I know my life was not everyones cup of tea but I was happy with it. When Toby died someone threw all the pieces of my life in the air and I watched them scatter. It was like confetti, floating down passed me, as it fell I did not really care, I was powerless to even respond. I did not watch where the pieces went or take any care of the ones I found. Gradually though I have tried to put that jigsaw back together but as time has gone by it is like I have forgotten what the picture was, what life was like before. I have not found all the pieces and the ones that I have found do not seem to fit back together any more.

Since Toby died I have felt a range of emotions I did not even know I possessed. They have a depth of feeling that is impossible to explain and I never knew were possible to feel. Not all are good; some of them are very dark places to be, sad and lonely places, places that I do not chose to share. The funny thing is that over the past months loads of people have commented on how ‘strong’ I am, well let me tell you a little secret, I am not but I am getting stronger and that is Toby giving his gift to me. I have done things since Toby died that I never thought I would do. Write blogs, talk to newspapers, be on the telly. I have a whole new network of friends who I have only met through this. I am starting to find the pieces to that new jigsaw. It is going to take ages to see what the picture will look like. It will not be any thing like the old one. It will feature chickens and parrots, organ donation and fundraising, it will feature football matches and airplanes. The one thing that I do know is that the golden thread will be Toby.


Now I know that you are all listening, so shut your eyes, can you still hear it? I can. Its a good heart, its a strong heart, it continues to bring happiness and most importantly life. That is my boys heart you are listening to. Go on sign that register, have that discussion #tobysgift #organdonation #havethediscusiion


2 Responses to “The jigsaw”

  1. mummydodo February 19, 2013 at 9:09 pm #

    You have echoed my life since my son died last year.
    You are so good at putting words on paper which describe how we parents feel.
    We wear the mask so well.
    Sending you my thoughts xxxx

    • tobysgift February 19, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

      it’s good not to be alone xx

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