So here it is Merry Christmas, everyone is having fun, well we are trying at least! I know that some where out there four families will have a Christmas that they could only have dreamed of a few months ago. Someone in their family received Tobysgift of life. It is a very magical thing. It keeps Toby living, his heart still beating. They did not know him and do not know who he is but he will always be in their thoughts, and they will always be in ours. So to them a very happy Christmas, raise a glass to our boy, thank him for his gift and have the best Christmas ever.
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There are a few things I have worked out this week. Firstly, nothing that I say or do will change the fact that Toby is dead. Secondly, nothing that I say or do will bring Toby back. And finally, nothing that I say or do will ever make that OK. And surprisingly with this comes a certain degree of calm. I am resigned to it so I do not need to battle any more. It brings with it a degree of sad contentment. You know how sometimes when you see some one and they are smiling but it is not in their eyes, in their soul? Well that is me. It is not a bad place, but it is a lonely one. It is not a loneliness for the company of people but more an aching type of loneliness, for something that can not be replaced.
I use to love getting out the Christmas tree and decorating it. I loved all the rude comments I got from Toby about how rubbish it was. This year it gives me no pleasure, it feels like a chore, an essential something that has to be done. I resent the loss of that enjoyment. It is bad enough that Toby is stolen from me but to loose all that previously gave me pleasure as well just seems cruel. But the tree is up, it is not decorated but it is up. I think the decorating may best be done with a large glass of something with bubbles. It’s that box of decorations you see, it holds 16 years of memories and I am dreading having to face them. His first Christmas, the decorations he made at nursery, the ones he liked, the ones he didn’t, and then the chocolates; it will be interesting to see how long they last this year without Toby stealing them!
Sometimes I feel as though my life is folding in on itself, it is getting smaller and smaller. Things that I use to enjoy just give me no pleasure anymore. I have little interest in trying new things, nothing has come along that has managed to spark my interest or motivate me into action. It is one of the saddest things about Toby dying. It is not just the loss of him but my life as I knew it as well. It is too soon to build a new life but I guess with time that will come.
As I sat here ready to write this blog Pete the parrot came and pooped on the key board. For me that says it all. Just as I am in one of the darkest of places something or some one always seems to come along and make me smile. It is just enough to get me over that hurdle, to leap me back onto the other side. It is the fact that I know this will happen that keeps me going. I am lucky enough to know that I am loved, not everyone experiences that feeling. I am a lucky person, I know that some one will always make something happen to make me smile, a hen that turns out to be a rooster, a costa at home machine, a bathroom that takes forever to complete. It is the littlest of things that bring a smile and keep me going, and for those I am grateful.
My boy is becoming a memory and it is making me so sad. It means I am getting use to him not being around and I do not want to do that, I just want him back and it seems so very unfair that I can not. He is in my every waking thought, even when I am talking I am thinking about him. He forms a backdrop to my life.
We need to do something but I am not sure what. We have picked up our lives where we left them but they are just not the same any more. Many of the things we used to do now seem completely pointless and do not bring the same pleasures. I think there will be some big changes, I just do not know yet what form they will take. Every decision we have taken since Toby died has come to us very naturally and when they have we have known immediately; I am sure the same will happen again. We will wait patiently for it to come.
They turned the lights on at Cadgwith this weekend and remembered Toby, they are such a loving community, I do not think we could have chosen a better place for our Toby to leave us. We are starting to get ready for Christmas. We have turned on the outside lights at our house and Stephen has opened his advent calendar and lite the candles. I do not think I will be doing Christmas cards this year, to keep writing three names instead of four over and over again will be just too much punishment. It is not that I do not wish everyone a happy Christmas because I do, it is that I have learnt that if things are meant to give you pleasure and no longer do, you have to question the worth.
Yesterday I laughed, I mean a proper laugh, I had forgotten how good laughing makes me feel. It was those chickens again. Stephen gave them a custard cream and Blodwyn legged it with the biscuit in her break, hotly pursued by the three other girls who knew a good thing when they saw it! The tears are needed to release the emotion but distraction also comes as highly recommended!