I am at the fairground. It is bright and colourful. The lights are flashing and there is the sound of fun and laughter. Toby’s friends are there and so are mine. Slowly the rides start as I stand watching. They are spinning, circling round me faster and faster. I can hear everyone having fun and it makes me smile. It is the sound of life moving on without Toby. I can only stand and watch for a short time though and then I turn and see my boy smiling, watching as well and we walk away together. I am not ready for the fairground or for life to move on. I need to stay with my boy a while longer yet.
Some mornings I get up, I stroke Toby’s door and say good morning as I walk by. I pretend he is in bed. I can still picture Toby there, feet sticking out and looking very untidy. He is fast asleep, dreaming his dreams that were never to be. I can spend a whole day pretending. Some how I always manage to just miss him as he goes out to college or work or to see his friends. Some days it is easier that way as the pain just gets too much. It is impossible to imagine that I will never see him again, never hold him, laugh with him, tease him, never meet him for lunch or visit him in Topman. Sometimes I read through Toby’s texts to me, reminding myself of the little things we said and did, half conversations that will happen no more. It is like torturing myself, allowing myself to dream that they may happen again when I know they can not.
I nearly managed a whole day with out crying the other day. It was the day of the chickens! Distraction is a wonderful thing, it gives your emotions a rest. There is only so much that a person can take. I have worked out what the trick is. Its to always be planning something. Whether is is Pete the parrot, chickens or new floor tiles. It gives you a focus, something in the future to work towards. It is hard to maintain though as there is nothing else that I want, at least nothing else that I can have.
In Tesco today I walked passed some one who smelt just like Toby. It was so powerful. I wanted to run up and hug him but luckily I just stared. He looked at me and smiled and walked on, bless him, I wander if he knew?
You never know, one day I may walk past Toby’s heart, still beating away, having fun, living life to the full. I like to think that I will; how magic would that be!