Archive | October, 2012

Finding Toby

27 Oct

We are coming Toby, we are coming my sweet, we are coming to find you again, to see you climbing on those rocks, and watch you dreaming your dreams for the future.

When I close my eyes and think of Toby he always waves at me from that rock and smiles. I think it is because it is the last place I saw him alive; he looks happy and relaxed, he is waving a good bye and smiling at me to let me know he is ok.

Grieving is a totally irrational thing. I know of course that Toby is dead and that I will never see my beautiful boy again but part of me still hopes, still thinks that he may really be there playing on those rocks. I wander if a part of him actually is. Maybe that is the magnetic draw to Cadgwith Cove. Maybe Toby  is calling to us and we will feel his presence there. I really do hope so. So many places now leave me in torment. I need somewhere where I can find some peace.

Tomorrow we drive to Cadgwith Cove. Last time we drove there we had three boys in the back, this time there will be just one, its going to be so hard, trying not to stop at the same services, trying not to replicate our last journey down there.

The thought of seeing where Toby fell makes me feel sick. It is not just that we will relive that day and all the emotions but also because I think it will burst my bubble when I see that he is not really there. I wander if it is at this point that I have to accept he is gone? I am not sure that I ever want to do that. Denial is a safe place to be, it is a dream world where anything can happen, anything that is until something brings reality crashing in. It need only be a look, a smile, a memory but each time it brings all those feeling flooding back.

I am looking forward to sitting on Toby’s Bench. I know that will be sat waiting for me, as it will be for all the years to come. Whenever I need to find those last hours together I will be able to go there and sit, watch the waves and listen to the beat, because of course you all know by now don’t you, you know what I will be listening to. Its still there you know, its still beating…..

We are told to take each day at a time, do you know how hard that is? It is like living a half life, and of course that is no life at all. We are lucky, we have our magic weapon that does not allow us to stand still, because we of course have Stephen. He, that has been such a challenge, at least I know now why he was sent to us. It was for this moment, because without him there would be nothing.


Dear Toby

21 Oct

I am worrying about you sweetie, I worry about your final moments, did you know you were leaving us, did you hurt? I want to think it was all so quick you had no time to think but it still worries me. I don’t know where you are now, I cant find you.  You are nowhere that I look and I just do not know what to believe. Are you an Angel now? Are you watching over us?

When we see a rainbow Stephen says ‘look there’s Toby’, I like that, I see you as that ever illusive treasure that everyone secretly knows is at the end but no one can ever find. Bet you’d think I was absolutely daft if you could hear me! May be you do hear me, may be you see it all. I hope we have made you happy in all we have done for you.

Dad and I saw your memorial stone for the first time this week, it is just as we wanted it. They have promised it will be up for Christmas. Not sure why that matters but it seems to. Stephen has bought his first Christmas decoration, you know what he is like! This one has Toby on it, I get the feeling there is going to be a lot on the tree this year with your name on. We are not looking forward to Christmas, to just one stocking and half the number of presents, I will miss your complete and utter enthusiasm and unabridged excitement! We are buying Stephen an extra present as of course he has been quick to point out that you won’t be able to buy him one, honestly what is he like that little brother of yours. He misses you so much Toby. But you worry not, he informs me that Santa will be bringing your presents up to you!

Stephen is really looking forward to Halloween, Joe and Callum are taking him out, he has his outfit sorted, all he is trying to work out now is where that lady lives who does the soup you like!! He hasn’t forgotten. He plans to bring you some, goodness only knows how that one will work out.

I cant believe it is now 13 weeks without you, so many tears and they just keep coming, I am still listening though you know, I can still hear it. Whilst your heart still beats there is a part of you still here and that always makes me smile xxxx

For all of Toby’s friends

15 Oct

A couple of weeks ago we went to the memorial service at college for Toby. We laughed and we cried but most importantly for us we got to say a thank you to Toby’s friends. Not all of you were there so this is our thank you to all of you. We want to shout it out to the whole world so that every one knows how incredible each and every one of you is.

We would like to thank you for all the support you have given us. It has quite simply blown us away. Whether you have been a visitor to our home, our friend on Facebook, met with us for a McDonalds or played with Stephen, what ever you have done, big or small we have appreciated it. The things you have done to raise money for #tobysgift are amazing. At a time when we could not have done anything you have made things happen, from that we have got great comfort. You are amazing.

Toby always told us about how fantastic his friends were and he was right. Each and every one of you are a credit. You should be proud of yourselves and so should your parents. I know Toby would have been. He will be looking down on you all saying a big thank you.

Take Toby with you into your futures, make him a happy memory that motivates you to make your dreams come true. Go out there and make it happen.

Please share this, retweet it, do what ever and get it to each and every one of his friends, thank you

On the beach

10 Oct

I am sat on that beach again but there is no warm sun, there is a hurricane coming, I can feel it. I am running to help Toby but my legs are so heavy I can not make them move. I go to the gym to make them fitter but no matter what happens I can not get there soon enough. It always ends the same.

I am remembering the beach as we are planning to visit Cadgewith Cove again. It is with very mixed emotions. We have lots of thank you’s to say and also some new friends to meet, because yes we have made some new friends through this, people’s kindness for complete strangers never ceases to amaze me. Not just the people who helped Toby when he fell but the people who helped us on that day and subsequently. They are many.

I can not wait to sit on the Todden on Toby’s bench. I am looking forward to watching those waves as they lap too and fro. Will I hear Toby’s heart there too? I hope I can, I hope it brings me some peace.

I do not know how I will feel about looking at those rocks though. Remembering the life we had before and how much it can change in the blink of an eye, the same blink in which Toby fell. I do know that Toby is dead but you know there is a part of me that still hopes. There is only one last place he could be and that is on that beach waiting for us. So you see visiting it is really the final goodbye, my search for him will have to end and I will have to accept that he will never come back. I don’t want to though, living this half life is preferable to the alternative, a life time with no hope.

I do not know how you manage to live without your child, but I do know that we are doing it with the help of some fantastic friends. One day at a time they say, one day at a time …..

This one goes out to the one I love

5 Oct

So this weekend Graham turns 50!!! Of course we know 50 is the new 30 so thats no problem! Graham has struggled with how to celebrate his birthday. How do you celebrate when the person you want most to be there can’t? Well the answer my sweet is simple.


There is no empty chair.

He is the first thing we think of when we wake in the morning,

He is the last thing we think of before we go to sleep,

He is that butterfly that comes a little too close,

He is that leaf that falls from the tree in front of our eyes

He is the treasure at the end of the rainbow

He informs every decision that we make

He is with us in our every breath

He can never leave us

There is no empty chair


I know that we are in different places as the moment. I do see you reaching out for me, I see the pain in your eyes. You are and always will be my best friend. We may be on different boats at the moment but I know that there is one very bright star up in that sky that will guide us into the same port when we are ready. What does not break us will make us stronger. When we are ready, lets live some dreams. Love you Graham, Happy Birthday xxxxxx

Ramblings of a grieving mum

2 Oct

Last night I met a friend for coffee, I have known her for 10 years but up until Toby died I did not know that she also knows what it is to loose a child. We laughed as it is not surprising really, after all its hardly something you can drop into the conversation! Hello I’m Sally, my child died, not the best of introductions!!!! My friend gave me space to talk about my favourite subject – Toby, it was lovely. She also brought me tonights tea and cake, both of which we have now eaten and very much enjoyed.

This morning I went in the church, lit a cancel and sat and listened to the music. It is a beautiful church and a very peaceful place to be.  I do love it in there. Everyone in the church community has been very kind and supportive. I struggle with all the symbolism attached to formal services, they do not bring me peace, just torment. I struggle understanding where Toby is, all I do know is that I desperately need him to be somewhere as that is my only hope of being with him again. We see a lovely counsellor, his advise is always not to fight the feeling just go with it so I guess that is just what I must do.

I go and visit Toby everyday, sometimes it makes me smile, sometimes sad and sometimes I just hate it. Today i could laugh with him. I met one of his ‘neighbours’ relatives, she was lovely. Her granddaughter knew Toby. I also met another person visiting his daughter in law’s grave, he wanted to chat and I did not have the heart not to listen. after a while he asked who I was visiting, bless him my response clearly upset him. He said 16! thats no sort of life, my response was oh yes it was, it was a fantastic life, it just wasn’t long enough! And you know I was right, Toby did have a fantastic life, packed full of love, friendships and adventures! At his funeral I said that Toby had given us enough good memories to last a life time and I still strongly believe that. Yes we would have liked more but maybe that would just have been greedy. Stephen often asks why Toby died. I know there is no answer to that but Stephen needs answers so my response is just that it was just Toby’s time that is all. Stephen accepts this answer so maybe it is a good one. The only sure thing in life is death. I am so glad we supported Toby in living a life that was a full one. I am glad neither us nor him knew it was going to be such a short one, it would have changed how we were with him and that would have changed him as a person. I am very proud of the boy we brought up, far from perfection but just perfect in every way!