We are coming Toby, we are coming my sweet, we are coming to find you again, to see you climbing on those rocks, and watch you dreaming your dreams for the future.
When I close my eyes and think of Toby he always waves at me from that rock and smiles. I think it is because it is the last place I saw him alive; he looks happy and relaxed, he is waving a good bye and smiling at me to let me know he is ok.
Grieving is a totally irrational thing. I know of course that Toby is dead and that I will never see my beautiful boy again but part of me still hopes, still thinks that he may really be there playing on those rocks. I wander if a part of him actually is. Maybe that is the magnetic draw to Cadgwith Cove. Maybe Toby is calling to us and we will feel his presence there. I really do hope so. So many places now leave me in torment. I need somewhere where I can find some peace.
Tomorrow we drive to Cadgwith Cove. Last time we drove there we had three boys in the back, this time there will be just one, its going to be so hard, trying not to stop at the same services, trying not to replicate our last journey down there.
The thought of seeing where Toby fell makes me feel sick. It is not just that we will relive that day and all the emotions but also because I think it will burst my bubble when I see that he is not really there. I wander if it is at this point that I have to accept he is gone? I am not sure that I ever want to do that. Denial is a safe place to be, it is a dream world where anything can happen, anything that is until something brings reality crashing in. It need only be a look, a smile, a memory but each time it brings all those feeling flooding back.
I am looking forward to sitting on Toby’s Bench. I know that will be sat waiting for me, as it will be for all the years to come. Whenever I need to find those last hours together I will be able to go there and sit, watch the waves and listen to the beat, because of course you all know by now don’t you, you know what I will be listening to. Its still there you know, its still beating…..
We are told to take each day at a time, do you know how hard that is? It is like living a half life, and of course that is no life at all. We are lucky, we have our magic weapon that does not allow us to stand still, because we of course have Stephen. He, that has been such a challenge, at least I know now why he was sent to us. It was for this moment, because without him there would be nothing.